Everyone has his/her faults; I have many. My most obvious one to you, my deservedly not-so-loyal readers, is that I am a terrible blogger. Every time I post, I promise that I will be a better blogger. I promise to update you nearly daily. I promise to give you interesting stories. I fail. I lie. I am truly sorry.
On with the blog:
Vagina Monologue rehearsals are not a source of fun stories. We don't even rehearse. We make vaginas out of construction paper and glitter. My vagina wears a pink, sparkly tutu and a Cubs hat. Weird.
Classes are finished, and exam week is all that stands between be and my 15-day Christmas vacation. I have to take intersession courses to get back on track for graduation, and I'll be in the Burg on January 1st. LAME!
I checked my Chemistry grade today, which was posted outside of the lab. I have to take the final to get an A in the class; moreover, I have to get a 95.5% on the final to get that A. I will studying ALL weekend for that exam. If I get a B in a 4-credit class, I can certainly kiss graduating cum laude goodbye. I'm already barely hanging on with 0.04 of a point above the minimum. I keep saying that I don't care, and that I just want to graduate, but I'm so pissed that a year full of tragedy effed up my GPA like that. Looking back, I know I handled it well, but I watched one semester tank my 3.6 GPA down to a 3.44. Speaking of my unfathomably shitty year, let me give you a rundown by month:
January: Dad died
March: Uncle Glen died
August: Ivan and I broke up (I consider this a personal tragedy, so it is included in my list)
November: Risha, my childhood best friend died
December: Michael, my cousin with whom I am very close, was hospitalized with a very serious condition (this is still going on)
GAHHHHHH!
2007 has a new motto for me:
2007: Keep On Suckin'
I wish I could put my cleverness to better use.
Now for the serious part of the blog, the part that will certainly make me cry while writing it:
My friend, Phil, asked me the the other day if I would spend one more day with my dad if I could. The answer that I was supposed to give was, "oh, no, it would only be a tease, blah blah blah." That's what he said about his father. But I really would spend another day with him. We'd go fishing. I'd spend the entire day cracking jokes with him, and eating sandwiches by the pond. I'd tell him what a great man he is. Some people are just naturally great people. They just seem to have this light around them that shines onto everyone else, and never have anything negative inside them. My dad had to work to become that kind of person; he worked damn hard, too. He was the first to admit he didn't live his life in the best way, and didn't treat people the way he should have. But he recognized that, and worked hard to change it. He became one of those people with the light around them. I am so proud of him. I never told him, either. We were never alone, and that's not the kind of thing you say around other people. I wish I had just told him, "Hey, Dad, let's go to lunch alone." I would take that last day with him, and spend the entire time telling him how much I love him. I didn't always love him. I was a bitter, angry little girl, and harbored a lot of hatred for him inside. I had to work that out, too. My Dad's death was so hard because we didn't always have a strong relationship; we had to work for ours. I really only loved hanging out with my dad a few years before he died. I just got something, and it was taken away. I hate that. I just hope that people in heaven pay attention to stuff that happens down here. I hope he hears me when I pray. I hope he's reading over my shoulder as I type this and is smiling. I just hope he knows that I loved him sooo much, and still do. I hope he knows that I am proud of who he became and how hard he worked to become that. I hope he knows that I don't hold any of that childhood crap against him. I hope he will watch me graduate this Spring. I hope he's feeling that same thing that I am, that he's screaming inside his head, wishing I could hear, "I LOVE YOU, TOO! I'M PROUD OF YOU, TOO!" If nothing else, I hope we share that feeling.
Yeah, I cried. Told ya.
Love,
Suzanne Marie Mangas
Wannabe Blogger Extraordinaire
1 comment:
I just read your blog. I try to every couple of days but sometimes it takes me a little longer. I cried, too. I wish things could have been different for all of us but that is why God made us with our own wills. We have to grow and learn that we need to depend on Him. I'm glad that your father finally did that. I was able to forgive your father a few years ago. That doesn't mean that I forget because I had to learn from the experiance. I still hurt but not as much and I'll always wonder if he had been the man at the beginning that he was at the end if we could have been the happy family that I always wanted us to be. I guess when things go differently than we want because of someone else's choosing God always gives us something better. I have Dad and you and your brother are pretty good kids. I'm soooo proud of both of you. I may not always like choices that you both make but we all have to make choices and live to the best of our abilities with those choices and they are not for me to make for you. I have done my job raising you to be a very independent young woman and I'm pleased with how you've turned out. I hope for you to have God's blessing throughout your life in whatever you may chose and know that I will always love you.
Mom
Post a Comment