If 5th Graders Had My Job

As the final portion of my internship, I have the task of choosing ten outstanding and creative essays (or, as one little girl called them, "S.A."s) from the 5th graders in Monroe County. Their prompt was: "How would you end hunger & homelessness?"

OH

MY

LORD

they are cute.

and weird.

In many of the essays, the parents' political persuasions are pretty obvious. In others, I can tell that one proud kid annouced, a bit too loudly, his/her perfect idea, which was then repeated in ten other essays. Little shits. Many of the essays are just repeats of the same few ideas, but I thought I'd share some of the gems I've found so far:

• have a charitable "festibal," featuring a show of volunteers with "wacky talents," and give all of the proceeds to the homeless to go to college for at least two, but no more than four, years. With this education, they could get jobs that pay "proximy [approximately] $15-$25/hour. That's over $100/day!"
• have a charitable marathon (the marathon for cancer research, a huge event in Bloomington, was the week before they wrote the essays)
• make the homeless and hungry wear identifying tshirts so people would know who to help (reminiscent of Nazi Germany, but maybe they haven't covered that in History class yet...)
• a little socialist after my own heart wants to make huge charitable donations (to the hungry, homeless, and poor ONLY) mandatory for millionaires (remember the parents' political persuasion thing?).
• make signs that say "end homelessness" and "feed the hungry"
• make tshirts that say "end homelessness" and "feed the hungry"
• make tshirts with turkeys on the front that say "feed the hungry"
• make tshirts that say "will eat for food" (???)
• create a caveman-like society for the homeless and hungry so they can "work together to hunt, fish, and search for fruit[s] and vegetables."
• hire experienced, professional survival specialists to help said society
• migrate said societies in cold states to "sunshine states" in the winter (ok kid, turn the tv off. you've had enough Bear Grylls for a lifetime.)
• give every veteran $100 because they served our country and deserve a fresh start (remember the parents' political persuasion thing again?)
• every sale imaginable: lemonade, bake, garage, car wash, used clothes "that aren't all tore up for the homeless to wear"
• collect food for people who "have to live on the streets or have to live in boxes."
• give the hungry food so "they can be happy and not look grose [gross] because you can see their rib cage."
• "if you have any scraps left over, you can put it in a container and give it to the homeless." The table scraps idea was pretty popular.
• put the homeless in nursing homes
• stop firing people from their jobs
• give a stimulus package to hungry and homeless people (why are you watching CNN, little girl? Watch some freakin' cartoons!)
• have teachers and college students tutor the homeless (it should be noted that this young boy's explanation of the cause of homelessness was when parents are uneducated and fight, then th mother moves in with her parents, then the grandparents can't handle the kids in the house anymore and kick them out--bam. homelessness. experience speaking?)
• install solar panels for heating and air conditioning on metal shipping crates and let the homeless live in them. Arrange the shipping crates in a circular neighborhood with a community garden in the middle. (How freaking adorable--and weird.)
• collect canned goods for the hungry, recycle the empty cans of food, then give the money to the homeless.

Ok, these kids are a complete riot. I can't say I've found more than five solid, unique ideas, but the idea of the essay was to get the kids thinking about the issues.

I did discover one very important thing through reading these essays:

MY CHILDREN WILL NOT GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

The composition, grammar, and punctuation is so atrocious that I feel nauseated. I will speak no further on the matter. HOMESCHOOOOOOL

I hope you enjoyed these little dears' ideas as much as I did!

Sitting in Class

I'm sitting in class, learning NOTHING, and resisting the calculation of how much I'm paying per minute to blog through class. Piece of paper. Piece of paper. Piece of paper. Once I can add that additional line to my resume, some idiot will be willing to pay me several thousand dollar more each year. Grad school is an investment, right? Riiiight?

My professor keeps talking directly to me because I am one of the, hm, three people who ever comment or ask a question. He's a genuinely nice guy, but I think we're all SO sick of theory. We're going to graduate and have little more knowledge of how to run a nonprofit than when we did before we came to SPEA. That's freaking concerning.

On an entirely separate note, I've started a pretty solid gym routine, and my thighs HURT. I can't really move them inward or outward without a whimper. I'm hoping to combat the big scary weight gain that come with Depo. It already makes me an emotional freak (I cried during a cell phone commercial last night because they used picture messaging to find a little girl's puppy). I talked to the doctor about it, and she said, "oh, hunny, that's pretty much exactly what you'll be like when you're pregnant. It's the same amount of the same hormone--you better get used to it." Get used to it? Get used to it?! She better get used to a punch in the face. FIX ME, LADY! I feel bad for the poor schlub who knocks me up. God help that poor man.

My brother comes home from Iraq really soon! Mom drove up to NY to hang out with Steph and Anthony, and Doug will join them in a couple of weeks. Between Christmas and New Year, Doug, Steph, and my adorable, chubby-cheeked nephew are visiting Ohio! Many of you know that I haven't met little Anthony yet, so you can imagine how pumped I am! I am the aunt that smothers her babies in hugs and kisses and messy toys that annoy their parents. I can't wait to snuggle this little guy. I feel sorry for everyone else around, because I'm snatching my nephew up and never letting him go.

Oh, sweet Jesus, I still have 20 minutes left of class. Shoot me. I'm going to Facebook for a while and gchat with the rest of the people in the room. Oh, higher education.